To My Husband

Zach,

You are an amazing man. I had always been in fear of finding a guy who would treat me nice for a little while. A guy who would say sweet things to make me settle into a false sense of security. Who would take me as far as the temple and then let me down--and I feared that I would never trust him because I would not have the support of my Heavenly Father in my marriage if I had married such an unworthy man. I feared to always feel beneath him, subject to him and scared to leave him because I didn't think enough of myself to believe I deserved more. In you, I have found the opposite...and more.

You are a very special friend to me. You have an incredible testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. You are kind and understanding to others and even to those who do not seem to deserve it. You have confidence in your abilities and are still working on them. You have talent not only in your hands but in your heart.

I love you. You give me life, you make me smile, and you've helped me grow.
I am eager to dance with you for the rest of eternity, no matter what song we're dancing to.

Your wife and eternal companion,

Sabrina

Onward

I cannot convey the sadness I feel for those who are being turned so harshly against the Mormon church. It has become a debate where everything being said, opposing us--they are flat out lies. Now, they're not lies that you could find truth with the scientific method (that is one of the scientific method's limitations) but every member I know, knows that soft yet solid feeling. It's that feeling that you can't even begin to describe to anyone else, and sometimes even doubt that you've felt it yourself when you're at your weaker points. It's that feeling of truth. Truth. There's nothing like it, but you cannot know it without the Holy Ghost. You cannot know it until you want to know it. Truth is not that a rock will fall to the ground every time you drop it. Truth isn't always witnessed with physical eyes.

Here is what I know. I know that I am the spirit daughter of my Heavenly Father and He made a plan. A plan of choice and consequence, of obedience or rebellion, of freedom and bondage, but a plan to grant all life.  My brothers and sisters--everyone on this earth--we're all growing. We came to earth to progress. That is true. It doesn't matter how the Book of Mormon came to be and I don't care how much no one else believes it, I can't even begin to tell you how true it is. I know that we have been given the gift of agency. And the only time I have ever been happy is when I have used that gift to listen to my Father's servants and follow the teachings of the prophets completely. And even knowing what I know, I sometimes fall short. In the big picture I am always falling short. The prophets don't tell us things because they "think it would be a good idea". They are able to receive revelation directly from God. I wouldn't care to listen to them if all they had were some good ideas. I would have signed up for some psychology or life skills class.  

Here are some specific lies from a youtube video that I wasn't surprised to find:
-"God creates man, he does not beget man. Man is not of the same species as God."  There is some ambiguity here. Tell me first what the difference is between create and begets and how they relate. And then define species. In context by what he is trying to argue, it is a lie, but maybe that specific sentence could be relatively sound.
-"Christianity is monotheistic...Mormonism is the most polytheistic religion that I have ever encountered." I don't worship many gods. No one in our religion does. I worship my Heavenly Father.
-"Mormonism is not a part of Christianity because Mormonism denies the most fundamental affirmations of the Christian faith." Well, then maybe according to your definition, we aren't. From the time I was very young, I knew that we believed in the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. 
-"Mormonism has changed. [The] growth has really leveled off, but in that growth process, there doesn't seem to be any teaching going on. And there are a lot of Mormons that just don't know a lot about what they believe." I go to church 3 hours on Sunday to....sit....and do nothing else apparently, cuz he just said I'm not learning. Oh, and seminary every day in high school for an hour, no learning going on there. I almost forgot about General Conference. Oh wait, no I didn't. That's twice a year for four 2-hr sessions each time. But let's not include the FHE and the daily scripture study, Institute, prayer, the temple...must I go on?
As far as growth goes. These are considered the last days. Few will stand in his presence at his coming because many were led astray. We've known this for a long time, we just don't know when the Second Coming will be.
Don't even get me started on the "they don't even know what they believe."
-"Mormonism takes christian words and changes the meaning." God reveals the real meaning of it unto us. You think we make this stuff up?
-"'The literal living Son of our literal, living Father'. What does that mean...?" *sigh. That wasn't the analogy, that was the explanation.
-(He had just showed a clip of Elder Holland's conference address, edited by the Church to sound sweet and angelic) "Notice how this sounds. You've got the beautiful piano music in the background and the beautiful videography and so on and so forth, and what is it meant to do? It is meant to communicate something that is simply not true. And the post-modernist goes, "Oh, ya know he seems like a nice man. And the music is beautiful, and that's a nice background behind him--it just must be true."" If you've heard General Conference, which is where that's from, it doesn't have the pictures or the music. And that was when I felt the spirit. The music just goes along so well with the feelings I felt when he first said it.
-"We need to be discerning. We need to understand that words have meaning. And what Mormonism means when it says these things is very different than what the bible teaches." Read and learn with the spirit, not just a dictionary.


The worst part is...if you know it all, if you know every little detail about Mormonism and meet every argument to prove this man wrong, even if your scriptural logic is sound....he still won't believe you.

Go somewhere. Travel to the Bahamas and find a secluded beach or head out to your backyard and climb up a tree where no one will bother you for a few hours. Now, imagine the world doesn't exist. It's just you and that sand, or that tree.
Now pray. (And first thank Him for the nice warm sand, or the oxygen producing tree.)
Wow. Now it's just you and him. He's YOUR Heavenly Father. Now don't think about what Mormons are or what they represent. Ask him something.
WAIT STOP! Don't ask him about the Mormons. They don't exist. Remember, it's just you, that tree, and God. Now, read the Book of Mormon. You trust God, don't you. Trust Him to tell you what it really is. Trust him to give you truth. How scary is it to think that you could know something is true, when that thing is being challenged everyday with "physical evidence" and arguments telling you what you believe and how terrible it is that you believe it. They'll say how strange it is that you wear this and you do that and you believe this and you hate these people and "your book" says this.
How hard is it to live what you know? Because you feel that knowledge coursing in your veins and you know that anything you say against that knowledge makes you feel like you are the lie.
Would you believe it if the Holy Ghost told you? I'm not asking you to believe me, I'm asking you to believe Him. 


Jesus Christ came to this earth--His Father, God. His mother, Mary. He lived a life, perfectly. He withstood any and all temptation and did his Father's work. I know that he suffered pains in the garden beyond what I can even imagine, let alone describe. He was further betrayed, abused, disrespected, and hurt before being nailed to the cross and suffering more, and teaching us that he did have agency. All that he did will forever save every one of us. His love reaches all. His Atonement lifts, heals and then lifts again. We are never alone. Our Father gave us the power of God on the Earth. He has given his servants power to speak for him and gives all of us personal revelation through the Holy Ghost. I can hear him speak and I know what is true.


As much as they mock, criticize and debate, I can't tell them that I was just kidding. I can't tell them that I don't know why I do what I do, and I am unable to tell them that this Gospel is a lie. My Father's love has changed me. His truth has cut me to the core and I am different because of it. I can't go back now. So, onward.

Do you ever feel like a "bounce-around"? Yeah. A "bounce-around". You're feeling so good and life is giving you more and more reasons to smile, but only inbetween the "bads", the "awfuls" and the "get-you-downs". During the day, you listen to a million different songs: the "pick-me-up" kinds, the "make-me-dance" types, or the "let-me-wallow" few. And some people can make you frown, but the people who make you laugh make you forget anyway.
Good gravy am I a "bounce-around", but it's such an adventure!
Relating this to the gospel, "there is opposition in all things" and most of us know that the pains in life are there so we can feel and cherish the joys that so very much oppose them.

Lifted

The three.
All dark, but powerful ones
They dwelt in the waters of Gala Shaylon.
Protectors of things that swam in the deep
Shadows of Shalyon and creatures that sleep.
Trespassers and anglers that hunt on the shore
They draw to the water and drag to the floor.
So sisters they are and so madly cursed
Though swimming eternal, forever they thirst.
To break from their chains and flee from their doubt
They wait for a hand to pull all three out.
"Perhaps, he, a soldier," "perhaps, she, a maid"
They guess of their savior, who nearby might wade.
One night they sank to the mud and the slime
Attempting to scub off the browish-green grime.
Then spotting two feet of a small, well-dressed girl
Forgave her her presence as she started to twirl.
She smiled and she laughed as she splashed in her shoes
Then looking straight down, she seemed so ammused.
The moment she waved, she startled the three
And reached her hand down to then set them free.
The two looked at one, the one looked at two.
"Oh no, my dear sister! What should we do?
She surely can't lift three with such little arms!"
"And what if, in our greed, we cause her harm?"
They still stared above, to the girl with her smile
One said, "She may leave in just a short while."
"I'll promise I'll let go if she starts to drown."
Impatiently, the small girl put on a small frown.
So one sister, brave, reached up from the sand
And set her fingers in the one small girl's hand.
She latched the child's hand in a firm, gentle hold
With a strange, strong tug the sweet child pulled.
With head out of water she coughed out the air
She gagged, tried to breathe and shook out her hair
It pained her to breathe in the air very dry
And coughing out water she started to cry.
In pain and in anger she managed to shout
"Why, stupid girl, would you dare pull me out?"
Girl looked at sister and grimaced some more
As the sister laid broken and strewn on the shore
"You wanted your freedom, dismissing all pain?
But if I'd not come by, then what would you gain?"
She crouched in the mud and touched sister's face
"You say that I hurt you, but that's not the case.
I came here before--you were to deep down to see
that I saw your distress, and I heard your plea.
The breathing will get better, with much less pain than now.
And walking will take time to learn, but I will teach you how."
Tears began to well up in the little girl's blue eyes
Small sobs of a hurt child came out but her face remained so wise
"But if you want the pain done now and wish to slip back down
I will not hold or stop you here, I will not make a sound.
You'll go back to your sisters and in the darkness be
And when you think of pain again, you'll likely forget me.
But please don't drown again! Come learn to walk with me.
I promise that the pain is worth a new life being free."
The sweet girl looked so hopeful, she spoke her words so well,
But burning in the sister's throat right then began to swell.
She thrashed he muddy body and clawed hard at the sand
But thought about her freedom and reach for the girl's hand.
"Though I had been drowned, I'd never thirsted more
than for freedom out of our reach, found only on this shore.
I'll bear the pain to breathe, then lift my sisters too
And when they come I'll tell them that we'll live up here with you."
The child beamed right through her tears, the sister began to see
That the pain equalled the joy she felt to finally be set free.
And we, too, feel the pain from life through fear and hate and sin
But if we reach up from the dark we can be freed by Him.

The Gifts

Agency was our First Great Gift. What a bittersweet gift for our Heavenly Father to give. He loved us enough to let us choose his way, but...oh, how we've gone astray, each one of us. It must have hurt-- being hurt. Before we came to earth we said we would. We said we'd come back to Him. Many haven't. Many won't.
The Atonement was our Greatest Gift. What a sacrifice-- the Father sending his son to earth. Perhaps he watched his son step along the clouds of glory leaving footsteps of power and perfection. Once again, bittersweet. So very happy that we would all be saved. But with so much sorrow to know how perfectly he (His son) would suffer. How long? How agonizing? For us-- incomprehensible. But he knew about the blood from every pore. he knew about the betrayal and the whip and the cross. The thorns and the spit...and the death.
But that's just it. He knew. He counted his will as naught and said thy will o Lord be done. Then resurrected, the work was done. It will last forever and for all.
I have hope because of my faith. He will come. I will live. We will all live.

Words

Sometimes, Satan gets to me without me knowing:

"Saturday January 9th
I'm ugly. That's what I feel like. It's not what I tell myself but it's what twists around inside of me. I see everyone else as complete, beautiful, they-know-who-they-are--just well put together.
I'm such a wreck. Up and down. Decide. Indecisive. Wear this. Wear that.
I confuse myself. I'm not sure how my gears work, what I want, or why I care about how other people see me.
I lack confidence. I despise every nasty symptom that comes with that."

Did you count how many times I said "I"?
The next morning was Sunday. This is what I wrote after I had read my scriptures:

"Sunday, January 10th
Last night, as I was trying to put my thoughts into words-- digging for the best adjectives and the perfect emotion to describe that darkness-- I think Satan got in. He gave me words, sure he did, but he made me feel even worse. He helped me brainstorm perfectly awful thoughts, pushing me deeper.
He's tricky, but I still can't believe I fell for it."

This fluctuation is a product of constant self-concern. I need to watch how many times I say "I" in a day.

I'm unlike anyone you've ever met--but, then again, isn't everyone?